Gotta Get a Grip

Yesterday I weighed myself and I was not happy with what I saw. I haven't been nearly as active this year as in the last couple of years and it has taken its toll. I have gained about 8 pounds this year and I was no skinny mini to start with. Really, I ought to lose 30 pounds and all of my fat is around the middle, making me look kinda like the Michelin Man.

I was in a yoga class on Sunday and I couldn't support myself on my arm when attempting side plank. Now, I think part of that was because I've been working on my arms more than usual this week and they are feeling it but it occurred to me that it would be a lot easier if I didn't have 30 extra pounds to try to hold up. I also find it hard to do the twisty poses. I don't know if it's limited flexibility or if I just don't have room for my fat when I try to twist myself! Cycling in aero position will be a little trickier now, too, because all the fat bunches up so I can't breathe when I'm down in that position. I feel weaker than ever, despite my increase in strength training and yoga and I don't feel like my physical appearance is congruent with who I want to be and what I want to accomplish.

I have to get a grip. Other people can do it, even people with a lot further to go than me! I am trying to figure out why it's so hard for me to commit to eating right for weight loss. I am stressed to the max right now because I am sick to death of school and still it goes on and on with endless picky revisions to my dissertation. I feel constant anxiety about it. I need to finish and get on with my life. Meanwhile, I am teaching at the university and doing research work with a professor, which gives me money but takes time away from what I really need to do - get this PhD and get a job! Sometimes, I just want to eat something easy and crappy so I don't have to stress about food, too. But, really, life will always be stressful one way or another and I have to learn to support myself with good nutrition even when times are tough and especially when times are tough. I have to learn not to rely on food for comfort.

So, today is Day 2 of yet another attempt to do this right. I don't have much faith in myself but I have to do this. It will help my poor arthritic hips; it will improve my sport performance because I'll be moving less weight around; it will make yoga easier; I will look better. Can I do this this time? I better!