Wretched

I am feeling low and this post reflects it. I figure that since it's my blog I can post whatever sorry drivel I want but I do apologize to those of you who read my blog and have to see this.

I am feeling lonely, fat, and a bit poserish. I know that my situation is not the worst in the world by far. I don't have cancer or a chronic disease. Time will make all of this pass. The way I feel now is just a temporary phase in a process that will end. Still, it sucks.

I joined an online running forum and the Edmonton Triathlon Club so I could meet other triathletes, get to know them, and train and race with them. I ended up being elected as the vice-chair of the club a couple months ago. I really like the people in the club and want to be part of it. This summer they have done transition and brick workouts, Monday evening time trials and interval training, and Wednesday evening hill repeats. They are planning a rock climbing social. And I can't do any of it because of my hip. Many of my running forum friends are training with friends, racing, getting better and better, looking great, and signing up for Ironman races and I am sitting here getting fatter. I want to be part of it all but I feel like I'm on the periphery watching it all happen without me. I feel like a wannabe because I am limited in my ability to accomplish my goals. I feel like I have no friends.

Meanwhile, I am gaining weight, which, trust me, I don't need at all. I feel like an orca and now I'm embarrassed to try to get back into anything because I'm so far gone. Everyday I wake up and wonder if I'll be able to commit to eating well and doing whatever I can training wise and every day I just blow it because there doesn't seem to be any reason or much hope anyway.

Now, I know that feeling sorry for myself won't make things any better. There are some things I can do to move things forward. I could actually try to lose weight. I can do some strength training. I can ride my bike (except that I look like a cow on a tiny little aerodynamic bike). I have to do it alone, though, because everyone else is way ahead of me. No fun.

When will things come together so I am a fit triathlete with friends who run off and have triathlon fun together?

Why can't I just suck it all up and get on with it?